- If you find this photo arousing then you may be a terrorist.
The Department of Homeland Security has announced a new initiative in its prosecution in the war on terror. In an exclusive interview with EHMSNBC DHS Press Secretary Matt Chandler revealed the new program targeted at what he described as “porno-terrorism” and discussed the DHS’ monitoring of social media.
When asked about the department’s so called “pornographic initiative” Chandler replied, “The links between pornography and terrorism are well established in the research. Andrea Dworkin essentially proved that internet pornography was to blame for all the rape used during the Yugoslavian crises of the early and mid 90s. She was right, up until then invading armies never raped and plundered their victims, it was all the dirty videos the Serbians had access to that caused the problem.”
He also brushed aside first amendment concerns. “Look, that whole freedom of the press thing is all well and good, but the reality is that terrorists are always porn-obsessed perverts. The 9/11 hijackers spent their time circle-jerking to Jenna Jamison videos when they weren’t hanging around in strip clubs. We know for a fact that Talibani get off on doing the unskinny bop with farm animals, aspiring terrorist Naser Abdo had loads of kiddy porn on his laptop and that Osama himself was found to have the world’s largest collection of donkey porn when we cleaned out his hideout. Priorities are priorities here. And if we don’t start more thorough investigation and monitoring of pornography we’re risking another 9/11.”
He provided a few details of the initiative as well. “We’re starting the new initiative over in the counter-terrorism division, it’s been designated the Pornography Information Monitoring Program and is designed with a twofold purpose. The first task is to track who’s watching what, because it should be clear by now that terrorists are perverts, and frankly, anyone that gets off on bukkake videos is probably a terrorist. Secondly, we need to monitor the production and especially the distribution of pornography, to discover if there are any more concrete links between the actual pornographic material and terrorism. It will involve watching hours and hours of material, so we’re going to have to pay agents engaged in this part of the job appropriately for the dangers.”
When asked to elaborate he simply replied, “There have been a lot of workmen’s comp claims filed for carpal tunnel syndrome. So the program won’t be cheap.”
When the subject turned to their announced expansion of their social media monitoring he tried unsuccessfully to clarify the department’s stand on the utility of social media overall and the monitoring program. “Social media has been an incredibly disruptive force in the world, as we’ve seen in the United Kingdom. Now, when it helps to topple regimes we don’t like, that’s good. But otherwise we need to be on top of social media for intelligence purposes, and better coordination of social resources. In fact, the Social Networking Intelligence Program is where PIMP got its start.”
He clarified this last point by adding, “Who do you think flags all those photos from burlesque dancers and photographers at Facebook? It was so successful that we elected to break it off into its own initiative and expand it.”
