"Jesus tittyfucking christ, they're never going top let me live down John Lackey..."

The blockbuster deal to bring Red Sox general manager to the Chicago Cubs has hit a major snag today over the issue of compensation. The Cubs have asked major league baseball to intervene on their behalf in these talks, but so far Bud Selig has refused to get involved, informing the Cubs that “compensation is a matter to be determined between teams.”

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is said to be furious. When he was asked for comment he responded, “Look, it’s fuckin’ simple. Compensation means that we give something to the Red Sox in exchange for Theo’s services, not that we get something from them. That Lucky Lucchino character must be some sort of chuckleputz not to realize that.”

A spokesman for Ricketts later clarified the matter. “The Red Sox are insisting that John Lackey be included in any compensation package. I mean we like Theo and all, but not enough to pay $46 million for his services.”

When it was pointed out that they would be getting a major league pitcher in the bargain the spokesman laughed and responded “You guys are the funniest site on the internet. Really though, Boston gave us two options, either we take Lackey or give them Starlin Castro, and neither of those things are happening.”

Epstein appeared to be quite upset by this sudden turn in the negotiations. When asked about the compensation issue he angrily responded, “Look, when I asked them for permission to take some of my lackeys with me to Chicago I didn’t mean that I wanted to take Alpo with me. This is fucking stupid, they don’t want me here, I don’t want to be here, they should just accept the fact that no one’s taking that Lackey deal and move on.”

Red Sox Media Relations Director Pam Ganley, however, disputed Epstein’s account. “There’s no doubt we want Theo running this team next year, any claims to the contrary are misplaced. And when Theo asked for permission to take his lackeys with him, Larry Lucchino, very generously in my opinion, agreed to let him take one with him. Naturally we chose his least valuable lackey, but this is our organization, and we need to retain as much talent as we can after all the front office personnel that have taken over other teams in recent years.”

Chicago sources have told us that despite this apparent impasse that Cubs expect to have the situation resolved by week’s end. “Ricketts is confidant that something can be worked out. He told us that he has a friend in the Homeland Security that can arrange for Lackey to be put on the rendition list if worst comes to worst.”