In our ongoing attempts to help you, dear readers, make sense of the election we are bringing you footage of the Caino-Gingrich War of Words complete with user-friendly translation! Or we would be bringing you that if representative Steve King would shut his fucking piehole and get the fucking debate started.

Does Governor Rick Perry seem enigmatic, charismatic, and perhaps just a bit erratic (and by that I mean, insane)? As a wise professor once said, it’s all about subtext and reading the various cues of physical communication. So, as a public service we’ve decided to translate Governor Perry’s words for you, so that you, the voters, can finally understand what Governor Brilliantine is saying…

Ahoy, Maties! Grab your swords and get ready to polish your cannons as Intrepid Dan Kidd goes “live and deep” under the USS Constitution. Today he interviews two fortunate young ladies about their “Americanism” and their foot size. Meanwhile, behind-the-scenes, Dan seeks out a “make-up professional” in his zen-like (and futile) quest to look like “Mr. Harrison Ford.”

The Intrepid Dan Kidd goes deep under Occupy Boston. Reporting fearlessly from tent city, Dan interviews the world-famous “Also Yes” man and can’t control his urge to sniff a female protester’s feet.

An actual photo of the freak burst tide that hammered the western shore of Lake Ontario on May 11th as John Lackey's ERA increased by 15% in nearby Toronto,

A spokesman for the US Army Corps of Engineers—Detroit District informed us, “We’ve been part of a joint investigation, along with the Meteorological Service of Canada, of a strange burst tide that did considerable damage to the western shore of Lake Ontario last May 11th. We were completely at a loss until a scientist at the MSC read the story about John Lackey’s ERA, and sure enough it turns out that on May 11th he was pitching in Toronto.”

Susan Hedman, Regional Administrator for the Great Lakes Region explained the EPA’s position. “The US Army Corps of Engineers came to us with the analysis of the May 11th event, the science seems indisputable. At this point there’s no way we can let John Lackey make 14-18 starts a year on the shores of Lake Michigan.

“People need to understand that the Great Lakes Megalopolis is a $4.5 trillion economy whose lifeblood is shipping. We can’t allow outside factors to interfere with that, the consequences of regular Lacktides are potentially catastrophic.”

When asked about the term Lacktide she replied, “That was the name of the analysis that we got from the Meteorological Service of Canada, Lacktides: The impact of local gravitational fields on tidal events.”

A spokesman from the MSC explained, “One of our scientists read the research paper from MIT’s Peter Fisher about the effect of John Lackey’s rapidly expanding ERA, and then fed that data into a simulator. Apparently Lackey’s ERA expanded so rapidly on May 11th that its velocity generated a short term gravitational burst that wrecked havoc with Lake Ontario’s tides. We’ve already filed suit here in Canada to prevent Lackey from starting in Toronto again. The impact of his starting half his games on a Great Lake city like Chicago, Milwaukee, or Detroit is potentially catastrophic. Especially a bandbox like Wrigley Field. This could potentially lead to another 20 Gordon Lightfoot songs about shipwrecks, which is clearly a human rights violation.”

The lawsuit has apparently wrecked the hopes of Boston fans that the Red Sox could unload Lackey on the Cubs with little pain. A spokesman for Tom Ricketts said, “This has been a weight off our shoulders, I can tell you. Their (the Red Sox) position from the start was that the only way we weren’t getting stuck with Lackey was if we gave them Starlin Castro, which was a non-starter. So the EPA’s lawsuit has been a godsend.”

"Jesus tittyfucking christ, they're never going top let me live down John Lackey..."

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is said to be furious. When he was asked for comment he responded, “Look, it’s fuckin’ simple. Compensation means that we give something to the Red Sox in exchange for Theo’s services, not that we get something from them. That Lucky Lucchino character must be some sort of chuckleputz not to realize that.”

A spokesman for Ricketts later clarified the matter. “The Red Sox are insisting that John Lackey be included in any compensation package. I mean we like Theo and all, but not enough to pay $46 million for his services.”

When it was pointed out that they would be getting a major league pitcher in the bargain the spokesman laughed and responded “You guys are the funniest site on the internet. Really though, Boston gave us two options, either we take Lackey or give them Starlin Castro, and neither of those things are happening.”

Epstein appeared to be quite upset by this sudden turn in the negotiations. When asked about the compensation issue he angrily responded, “Look, when I asked them for permission to take some of my lackeys with me to Chicago I didn’t mean that I wanted to take Alpo with me. This is fucking stupid, they don’t want me here, I don’t want to be here, they should just accept the fact that no one’s taking that Lackey deal and move on.”

Red Sox Media Relations Director Pam Ganley, however, disputed Epstein’s account. “There’s no doubt we want Theo running this team next year, any claims to the contrary are misplaced. And when Theo asked for permission to take his lackeys with him, Larry Lucchino, very generously in my opinion, agreed to let him take one with him. Naturally we chose his least valuable lackey, but this is our organization, and we need to retain as much talent as we can after all the front office personnel that have taken over other teams in recent years.”

Chicago sources have told us that despite this apparent impasse that Cubs expect to have the situation resolved by week’s end. “Ricketts is confidant that something can be worked out. He told us that he has a friend in the Homeland Security that can arrange for Lackey to be put on the rendition list if worst comes to worst.”

Officer Kelleher of Boston Security confronts the demonstrators at Occupy Boston.

In this hard-hitting, vital and super-fresh episode 2 of Intrepid Dan Kidd’s UnderTours, my crew and I dig even further under Boston, MA. I visit the Allston Street Fair, investigate Dan the “revolutionary” Bagel man, blue-tongued skinks, female wrestlers and a “bag artist”. Meanwhile, behind-the-scenes, I’m afraid I may not look up to snuff and demand that Michael, my cameraman, make me look like Harrison Ford. Get intrepid!