Posts Tagged ‘Cinematica’
Tourist Season
As part of my cinematic self-flagellation I took on the monumental (and some might say just plain mental) task of watching The Tourist and Salt two of the shittiest Angelina Jolie action/thrillers ever made. I could take the easy way out and write of my day’s [Read More]
I’m Your Captain, I’m Your Captain, and I’m Feeling, Mighty Sick
When I first heard that they were, yet again, making a Captain America film, I had no expectations. After all, to date they’ve all stunk like a pile of elephant dung that’s been fermented rhinoceros vomit and Old Grandad, why should this one be any different? [Read More]
Descent into (Cinema) Hell
How do I love thee, dear readers? Well, I am about to embark on the weekend to blight all weekends. The Weekend of Shitty Movies™. Why am I doing this for you? you ask? Because our regular film reviewer, Somar, is still away on a top secret mission for the Department of [Read More]
A Movie So Bad it Hasn’t Earned a Review…
…Not even the bad ones we’re infamous for. No, I come not to bury Sucker Punch, but to propose a new cinematic fusion. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. It’s two hours of your life you’ll never get back. Emily Browning is the nameless title [Read More]
Val Kilmer is…Barely in this Movie!!!
Here at EHMSNBC we have a general rule for film/TV/music/book reviews; namely it has to be bad material that you want to mock. I find myself setting aside that rule today to review a very good film, Kill the Irishman. Or, at least mock its one weakness. In brief the [Read More]
Mr. Nobody… Wait, I Mean The Traveler!!!
SETTING: The backyard of someone dimwitted enough to invest in this film. Some innocent looking girl is playing with her pet kitty, ominously named “Shining”, when some dimly seen figure jumps out of nowhere and grabs her, dragging her off into the underbrush. [Read More]
Battle: Los Angeles
When I was younger, Michael Jordan had a popular cologne. I wanted to smell like him. Shut up, that’s not homoerotic. So my mom, being the cunt that she is, went to some backwoods location and bought me “Mitchell Gordon” cologne. Mitchell Gordon. I [Read More]
Frozen: A Cinematic Landmark
Frozen is a movie about three kids who get stuck on a ski-lift somewhere cold. I don’t know where. I wasn’t paying attention enough to bother. I could easily research it. But that would be too much work. Let us, for a moment, ignore the amazing coincidences that [Read More]
Faster…
Is he as fast as you? No…he’s FASTER. WRITER: What? Why are we adding that line? PRODUCER: Because that’ll be the name of the movie. It will look cool in the trailers. WRITER: But there’s never any mention of speed or of him being talented as a- [Read More]
The Warrior’s Way
When I was a toddler, about your age, my older cousin pushed me into an alligator pond in South Florida. True story. This past Sunday, I wished I could go back. But I couldn’t, because I was in a theater watching a movie called The Warrior’s Way. Apparently [Read More]
